Putting my thoughts online
It sounds a simple enough process to put my thoughts online. People do that every day on Facebook and Twitter.
What’s not so common is talk about the mental health side of what’s going on in that grey matter between your ears. Nevertheless, I’m going to give it a bash! What’s the worst that can happen?
There’s lots of courses and tutorials about how to blog, and what to write and when. I’m going to initially just use my intuition.
How do you feel today?
That’s the easiest question to dodge for anyone who has experienced mental health problems. It becomes a subconscious reflex of the tongue to say, ‘Aye. I’m fine.’
The problem with that is when you’re not actually feeling content and satisfied with life. The word ‘fine’ begins to have a very broad definition.
What does fine actually mean?
Fine turns into that word which actually means we don’t want to really talk about how we’re feeling.
If you do that for long enough, you stop addressing feelings and emotions. They become that chore we were going to do this morning, but we put off until the afternoon, and then the weekend, and then next week.
I don’t think I could describe my current situation as full blown depression, it’s better described as chronic internal conflict which has went on since I had a psychotic episode over a decade ago.
Thinking about the past, present and future in a certain way which is neither productive or comforting. It’s a repeated pattern of thought which breaks down confidence and aspirations in life.
I’ll describe a few persistent thoughts below.
I don’t feel the same person as I used to be
I recall having a drastically different attitude to life before my psychotic episode.
I wanted to be the best at anything I put my mind too, providing it was a subject which interested me. Whether being the best was true or not, it was a driving force pushing me forward.
Nowadays, each day begins scraping the bottom of the barrel looking for any crumbs which can be combined together to form some sort of motivation for the day.
Friends and acquaintances are busy
This is a thought which leaves me isolating myself from people I was once close to.
I’m always quite hesitant to pick up a phone and speak to friends and acquaintances, especially the ones which will have an inclination I’m not at my best.
Perhaps the misconception is that I imagine everyone else having consistently great lives, where nothing bad ever happens. I tend to lean on the friends who are having hard times too at the same time as me.
Not trying hard enough
I often think that I’m not trying hard enough to keep myself well mentally. That there is more I can do within my power to ensure I’m content and happy.
I do try to keep busy, but I’m not sure if this equates to necessarily being happy and content.
Talking it out
I’m curious to see if talking my mentality out with a wider audience might help a little. As mentioned above, what’s the worst that can happen?